Dear Heartbeat, v. 2

[From the envelope...]


Dear Heartbeat,
See inside for the second
in the series of the loooooooong
letter that you requested.
More ink you may never see.
Disregard the above, obviously,
if you're reading this now.
These sad efforts in semantics will
end in your exquisite boredom,
if not calamity,
if I'm not careful.


M---


Dear Heartbeat,
I realize that I wasted my first opportunity
in the first "letter."
So, yes, sure,
it's chock full of metaphor
and analogy that are simulacrums
to why I find myself
at pen, but it shouldn't
be that complicated, should it.


I spend a lot of time
wondering why I spend so
much time spending time
wondering.
I'd rather spend time
with you.  I do not wonder
when I'm with you.  Wonder,
as a word,
is, by the way,
extraordinarily close to wander.
They are basically an accent
apart in meaning.


You said you want to know
what I'm thinking.  I don't know
that you do; my thoughts spread,
divert, digress,
converge, merge -
as do everyone else's,
as I'm sure you know -
but I spend too much time
putting aside the distractions
of a depressive.
Black dog.
Eeyore.
I have many names for that side
of me - here lately,
I've taken to calling him
Hal.
Yes, it's a DFW joke, but then
yes, it's an inside joke, too,
as I had a childhood friend named Harvey whose older brother was named Hal who was fabulous before fabulous was cool and who suffered for his fabulosity.


I don't think I'm making this up,
but I have nothing to prove
that I'm not.  You're going to
have to take my word for it:  I
cannot prove that I'm not making
this up as I go along.  I know
this:  I've never made it up before.
You don't know that either so
you'll have to take
my word for it.


More the pity
for you.  I get it.


When you already do not believe,
it's difficult to all of a sudden-
like become to believe.
I grow concerned that I am,
ultimately, only feeding
your very personal insecurities.
By feeding mine.  I should
be more demonstrative
of my affection, I should
be more secure
in my position so I can better
answer your questions re:
my position, I've already
some so far - you don't know -
I've so far to go.


Two missives gone, so many
tiny letters, each in their own right,
a symbol of a bigger story,
and yet,
and yet - so much
still to go.  This is,
technically? only day half
of your removal, however
we look at that, and
I am no closer to you
now than I was
when you left.


Til anon ---


M---